It’s such an old cliché. Graduate from high school, go to college, start your career, get married, then start a family. However, the decisions I made in life took me in an entirely different direction. Everything I've done in my life has been a little backwards. I graduated from Harding High School in 1993, have five beautiful children: ages sixteen, twelve, twins that are eight, and a six-year-old, not to mention a wonderful fiancé. Besides going to parent-teacher conferences, I haven’t stepped foot inside a classroom for the last two decades. I have a good job, but want a career. Now at the age of thirty-six I've decided to go to college. In today’s job market, trying to compete with fresh faced college graduates who have a Bachelor’s degree is positively threatening. Employers are pursuing personnel with years of work experience and higher education, so if I can provide prospective employers with both, I will be that much more desirable and valuable.
Century College with its flexibility, affordability, and diversity was the obvious choice. Not only is it close to home, but I’ve also heard many good things about Century. It was the beginning of December when I applied for financial aid. Things happened very quickly within the following couple of weeks; both my financial aid and acceptance letter came to me around the same time. My orientation was scheduled, and I was ready to take my assessment. I flushed with excitement even as knots of anxiety slowly formed inside my gut. Eventually, nervousness won, and I ended up rescheduling my orientation three times before finally going. I had endless excuses too. My kids needed help with their homework, I have to cook dinner for my family, and I just didn't have the time. I’m not generally a procrastinator. I like planning, structure, and order. My kids tease me about being a little OCD, but for some reason I was frightened of a simple test. As January 15th drew near, I pressed myself into finally going in to take the assessment. With the results in hand, I smirked to myself, thrilled to know I wasn't utterly dumb. It wasn't entirely shocking I did poorly in math; at least I have a sixth grader who could tutor me. I deliberately took the assessment right before orientation that evening, so I wouldn't have any excuses to leave. Orientation was a blur of colorful faces and operatic voices that didn't make much sense to me at the time since I ended up registering for 10 credits. Everything required was complete prior to the start of the semester. I was ready, or so I thought.
The impact of my decision really started to hit home a few days before classes started. I had a comfortable life and a decent job. Just the thought of all the different ways this would affect my life became overwhelming and anxiety took over. My pulse sped like a race car on the track every time I thought about school or looked at the calendar. I have not been to school for about as long as most of these students have been alive. Not only would I have to relearn certain things, I would have homework, and readjust my organized schedule. In fact, my one decision would impact my entire family and their schedules too. My fiancé and I called the kids for a “family meeting” which is always held at the dinner table. I remember the pounding of little feet running up the stairs as they came running to the dining room. “What did we do now Mommy?” My three younger ones ask in unison and I chuckle quietly to myself. “I don’t know. What did you do?” I reflect. “I don’t know but it wasn’t me.” Darrien, my eight-year old twin immediately pipes up and I bite back a smile as my fiancé and I look at each other. The two older kids finally shuffled to the table and looked at us expectantly. My “knights of the rectangle table” have all assembled. I remember my voice quivering as I told them my plans and asked how they felt since it would impact their lives just as significantly as it would mine. They were all for it. They all thought it was great that I wanted to go back to school. My little ones even offered to “help” me with homework. Then they found out it would be night classes and they all started in at once. Who would make dinner on the nights I had class? “Don’t let it be daddy because daddy doesn’t cook like you!” rang out the loudest. Who would help them with their homework? I heard the muffled “Hopefully not daddy because daddy just yells.” The next few nights were spent tossing and turning. Every time I closed my eyes, it felt as if I was running for my life through a jungle with cagey, carnivorous creatures chasing me. Can I do this? Should I do this? Oh my god, what am I getting myself into! My wonderful and very supportive fiancé told me I could do anything I put my mind to. I should do this because I have no excuses not to. All of our kids are in school and if nothing else, I’ll have accomplished one thing I've always wanted to do. By this time, we had already settled the kids down about helping each other with homework and I would start dinner when I could and my fiancé would finish. Then the clincher: I would’ve finally done something to make my parents proud even though they’re no longer around. I would be the second one out of my six siblings to go to college and get a degree. Despite my firm commitment at this point, worry started to gradually creep in again. My mind rebelled with numbness and I had no idea what to expect. I remember calling my niece and asking her if college students nowadays still use notebooks and pens. Dead silence, then choking laughter. “Yes Auntie Mai, students in college still use notebooks and pens.” Feeling utterly stupid yet completely relieved, I thanked her before hanging up. I’m always up for a good laugh, even at my own expense sometimes.
Finally, on January 16th, I started my first semester at Century College. Butterflies tumbled restlessly inside my empty stomach as I pulled into the parking lot. Why was I so afraid? In spite of always doing well in school, my mind overthought everything and already came to the conclusion that I would fail. Century is known for having non-traditional students so being an older student shouldn’t bother me. As I sat there, the doubt slowly wheedled its way back into my mind. The car was still running, all I had to do was put it in reverse and leave. No! I am going to do this! I grabbed my book bag and walked as quickly as I could through the frigid night. Even Mother Nature’s biting cold slaps across the face couldn’t diminish the churning in my gut as I forced myself to keep walking. Once I got inside I would be okay. I could do this. I would do this. When we did our first group activity in English Composition 1021, Professor Lewis had us in groups of three. We had to pick something out of his bowl and tell the other two people something about us. With shaky fingers, I reached in and came away with a bright, sunny yellow sharpie. I mumbled a few words as my cheeks reddened with heat and my tongue refused to cooperate, but I made it through the first class without any major catastrophes. I prayed no one else noticed how flustered I was. But I did it! I walked out of class that night feeling renewed, motivated, relieved, and happy; all because I overcame my fear of the unknown. That is until I found a ticket stuck to my windshield because I mistakenly parked in the thirty minute parking space. Now I know better.
I still get tiny nervous twitches but discover with anything new, I’ll eventually find my own way and comfort zone. Not only am I doing something solely for myself, but I’m also showing my children that getting an education will only improve their life. As I tell my kids, I’m not just your mom; I’m also your guide. I won’t push my kids into going to college if they don’t want to go, but as long as they finish high school they can make their own decision. Thank goodness I only have one child in high school right now and he’s decided to go. I can truthfully say even though it’s a lot of work, I’m happy with my decision because I appreciate the value of a college education a lot more now than I think I would have if I went right out of high school. I plan to get my Associate’s degree from Century before transferring to Metropolitan State University to get my Bachelor’s degree in Public Administration. I would like to continue with my education and ultimately get my Master’s degree in Health Care Administration. There are many reasons why I chose Health Care Administration. Not only is health care one of fastest growing professions out there, but one of the main reasons I chose this field is because I was fortunate enough to find a job that has given me the exposure to health care and to the public. I’ve been there for the last six years and want to turn that job into a career. I believe that to be great at what you do, you have to want to do it and do it right. With the economy the way it is, having any job is good. Having a job you actually enjoy is even better. I plan to focus mainly on the public sector of health care, its policies, and procedures. The way the health care system has evolved is quite astounding and yet there are still many things that could be improved upon. I believe as someone coming from my background; I’ve been on both sides. I was part of the public that needed help and now I am part of the administration that is helping those in need. I can and will make a major impact in the public health care profession.
The obstacles I’ve faced because of the choices I’ve made and overcome, along with my life experiences, have truly defined who I am and the way I think. I made a decision to go to college despite my fears. Although I had to continually fight internally for control, through the process I’ve learned a few things about myself. It’s alright to be afraid and question myself but most importantly I have the strength to push beyond those uncertainties. Eight years ago I wouldn’t have forced myself. I would have shrugged my shoulders, said “To hell with it” and peeled out of that parking lot. Today, I’m determined to succeed. Bill Cosby said it best “In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” Everyone has those little devilish demons whispering words of discouragement, but fighting my inner demon and leaving her bruised and breathless will be well worth it. I have a plan in place and know I’ll struggle to achieve my goals, but I can do it. In fact, I’m hoping that my children will see that if I can struggle with and face my fears head on to triumph, so can they. The same is true for anyone else willing to face their fears.
